What Is Freedom?

FreedomAfter many years of feeling lost…I’ve learned that we may not ever have it all figured out. But, the best start to any new journey is having the curiosity, motivation, and even courage, to find “it”. Now I’m sure you’re probably wondering what “it” is. Well, my quickest explanation is that “it” is the thing we all search for, and hope to discover which truly makes us happy beyond anything else. You know…that feeling you get when you lose yourself in something and are just consumed with happiness and fulfillment from it. “It” is the thing that’s most capable of transcending us into another world.

Every morning we wake up, shower, brush our teeth, and head off to work. We sit at a desk, or listen to someone else tell us what we should or shouldn’t be doing, at a job we probably hate. It almost seems like a waste of life to spend so much time on things that do not feed us. So why do we do it? Have we become so conditioned into believing things that do not matter, that we’re willing to sacrifice who we are or who we may become just to Mentally, physically, emotionally. After all, time is the one thing we can never get back. So it always seems silly to live your whole life following rules and feeling obligated to do things that you otherwise couldn’t care less about.

I feel like far too often we become slaves of the day to day nothingness society forces upon us. It’s monotonous and boring. Yet we do it, and we live it just to survive.

Every morning we wake up, shower, brush our teeth, and head off to work. We sit at a desk, or listen to someone else tell us what we should or shouldn’t be doing, at a job we probably hate. It almost seems like a waste of life to spend so much time on things that do not feed us. So why do we do it? Have we become so conditioned into believing in things that do not matter; so much so, that we’re willing to sacrifice who we are or who we may become? Mentally, physically, and even emotionally…

Time is the one thing we can never get back. Yet we waste it frivolously. It seems silly to live your whole life following rules and feeling obligated to do things that you otherwise couldn’t care less about. So again, why do we do it?

Can you think of anything in the world that makes you feel absolutely free? Is it music, is it writing, is it imagination? We all have something, the tricky part is finding it before we run out of time.

Freedom shouldn’t come at a cost. Yet we pay for it, by working hard the majority of our lives only to end up old and frail. Shouldn’t the goal to be to find something that makes us feel free all the time? And enjoy while you still can?

Now while the saying goes that thoughts become things. I’ve also heard that when you write things out, the likelihood of them coming to fruition becomes greater too. So instead of constantly living as a slave to circumstance, I write this as a vow to discover what truly feeds my soul.

…I hope you all do the same.

When you find it I’d love to hear more about your stories, and one day soon I hope to share my it with you all as well.

–Chelsea Ciará

Can You Stand The Rain

Rain

It rained all day today and as I lay in bed I couldn’t help but wish I was laying with you
The sound against my window reminds me of how your heart ticks
It’s a rhythm that cracks like lightning and shakes the room
And it’s the kind of heartbeat that’s powerful enough to illuminate the sky

I remember laying my head on your chest and falling asleep to the rhythm
It was a feeling so comforting I wished it would never end
But this love could never be
Because you can’t stand the rain

You don’t see the romance in how each raindrop dances as it falls from the clouds
You don’t feel how the wind caresses your skin after a rain shower
And you don’t wait around long enough to watch the flowers bloom or the trees grow

I wanted to make love to you on the rooftop and feel the rain pour over our skin
But you said only holy water can wash sins
Then right after, you offered to pray for me

I was willing to drown in our love
But you were afraid of getting wet
So our love dried up as the rain passed
And after that, nothing was the same anymore.

-Chelsea Ciará

Living with Anxiety and Depression 

Today you are strong enough to push yourself out of bed, shower, and make it to work.

I’ve come to notice that half the time people think anxiety and depression is made up, and that you’re faking these feelings for “attention”, or that you’re just being “dramatic”. They would never know that people like me have gone years hiding it, and putting on a fake smile as to not draw attention to how they really feel. Most people could never understand that some days leaving the house is the hardest part, and that living with anxiety doesn’t mean you’re afraid of everything or everyone. Sometimes it means you’re invited to parties or shows, but you hate going places alone, and you hate crowds of people, so you never show. Then eventually the invitations stop coming. It means, you only eat from places that offer online ordering options, because you hate speaking on the phone. So you never try the new restaurants around town. And sometimes it means, you spend all night watching Netflix at home alone. So you never meet that man or woman you can potentially fall in love with.

It’s Friday again, but most of my weekends are spent in my room, or on the couch. My parents don’t say it, but I know they’re ready for me to leave and be on my own. They wish I had a nice boyfriend to spend time with, who will eventually propose…but I hardly ever leave the house unless it’s for work or small errands. I don’t have friends to go on trips with, and my birthdays are more often than not spent alone. I don’t meet new people, and I’m trapped in my own thoughts so it makes it hard to trust or be vulnerable…I’m always pretending to be ok, but no one really sees me.

I like my space, but sometimes it gets lonely. I’m working on getting out more, but when I do, I feel so exhausted. No amount of sleep seems to help make me feel alive, so when I say I’d rather stay in, people laugh and just assume I’m the “old lady friend” who hates staying out late. They don’t understand it’s exhausting convincing myself I’m actually wanted, and that they aren’t just pretending to be my friend. They don’t understand how skeptical I am of people, and that I’m socially awkward.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, so people take advantage of my kindness, and eventually they move along to someone else they can use. So I keep my distance, and remain guarded. People that meet me say I’m great, and funny, and cool, but eventually they stop reaching out and we drift apart and don’t speak. So I go back into my shell feeling like people hate me, and I end up wishing for just one best friend who will stick around. But they never come. Even now, I’m up at 4:36AM because my mind is racing anxiously…This is what’s it’s like living with anxiety and depression.

– Chelsea Ciará

1,440

Let me remind you that a good morning text does not do you justice

There are 1,440 minutes in a day

Which gives me…

1,440 chances to tell you just how much you mean to me

I want to be the kind of woman, that gives you more than just words

I respect you enough to know you deserve actions

And that you retired empty promises to your last relationship

So it would be unkind of me to disappoint you again

I say I’m worthy…

But you don’t believe in things you can’t see

So here I am, ready to build

It’s Day One…

Action One, out of  1,440

Multiply that by every day that we shall live

And only then will you know…

Just how much you mean to me.

 

– Chelsea Ciará

Self Love

I realized I needed to forgive myself

For not loving me enough when I was with you

I was too busy trying not to be selfish

So I waited around for you to fix your broken pieces

And hoped you’d learn how to love me

I found out the hard way

That a heart can’t be held together with

Gorilla glue and duct tape

And that these cracks only open wider

The longer we pretend

So today I learned the importance of

 Self Love 

And I vowed to never allow myself to settle again

Because everyday I pretended you loved me

Was another day I spent hating myself

 

  • Chelsea Ciará

Happy To Disappoint You

If you’re expecting me to be like your last relationship…

I’m happy to disappoint you.

You’re used to going to bed angry,

And waking up without a “Good Morning” text

You never had the little things that matter

Like,

Someone asking if you’ve eaten today

Or calling just to check in

And you never got flowers, or fruit, or candy…

Just because it’s Tuesday.

You never fell asleep on the phone,

And had someone stay up all night, just to make sure you were breathing

And you’ve never heard of someone wanting to see you smile,

Every day…

Just because they’re so in love with the curve of your lips

You know nothing about real love,

And everything about what’s fake.

You know arguments that end in tears

And weekends stuck in bed from feeling heartbroken

You know what it’s like to be cheated on

And lied to

And manipulated

And you’ve never had someone take care of you.

You never got breakfast in bed

Or had someone rub your back after a nightmare

And you never experienced a passion, so deep…

That it nearly brought you to tears

You never had someone wipe the sweat from your forehead when you’re sick

And you never had someone say…

“Text me when you get home…”

“Just so I know you made it there safe”

You never saw the sun rise, and the moon set…

Because you were always too busy chasing shadows

So when you say you never had anyone like me…

I’m happy to disappoint you.

 

Chelsea Ciará